A day pregnant with emotion: pain, shock, fear, and conviction are only a few. As September rolls around the anniversary of the acts of terror bring about deep emotional memories for me that have nothing to do with terrorism. September 11, 2001 as images of the terrible crimes against humanity were played over and over, I felt numb to the chaos and guilty for feeling sorry for myself when so many were having their lives ripped apart. I too was losing a loved one.
A child had been growing in my womb and it was ending in miscarriage. This was my second loss. I had three living children. I was struggling to nurse the youngest while my body warred against itself. Pregnancy hormones surged through my body causing nausea without the promised reward of a new infant to hold. Morning sickness and depression caused a severe weight loss making it difficult to keep my milk supply up for my then almost seven month old son.
A few weeks earlier I had begun to bleed. Not the spotting I had experienced with the loss of my first child, but rather an abundance and I knew it was over. In the ER an ultrasound was done and there was no fetal pole (heart beat). The ultrasound technician wasn’t allowed to say anything, but she didn’t need to. All that blood spoke for itself. The ER doctor called the OB I had with my last birth. I was newly pregnant and hadn’t even been in for my first appointment with this pregnancy. I was told to rest, what to come back in for, and to see my OB.
An appointment for the next day was made and I was told not to eat after bed time. Upon arrival I asked why I couldn’t eat and was told a D and C was to be preformed. Surprised at the revelation I declined the procedure. It is the same procedure as an abortion and can cause complications for further pregnancies. Miscarrying naturally was preferred. The OB responded with an annoyed, “What ever you want, but many women emotionally want it over with”. His reaction was so different from my doctor’s with my first miscarriage who encouraged letting nature take its course.
Weeks passed, the bleeding stopped, but the miscarriage had not yet taken place. With my first baby the same thing happened. First there was bleeding then nothing until sudden labor pains and the delivery of the placenta. The waiting was difficult. I accepted the loss, but was struggling with the hormones, nausea and weight loss. I lay on the floor of my room holding my sleeping baby, praying the child in my womb would come out so I could properly care for my other children. Knowing the baby was still in me was making it difficult to move on.
The whole world seemed to be mourning. Despair was tempting. I knew I had to do something. I talked with my husband about going ahead and doing a D and C. Not comfortable with the OB I had seen and wanting a second opinion on how to proceed I took my sister’s offer to visit her OB. Sitting in Dr. Lubetkin’s office with my sister I told him my story and asked what I should do. In a very matter of fact voice he told me, “You’re still pregnant.” Confused for a moment, knowing the baby was dead I wanted to know how to let the miscarriage happen. It took sometime for me to realize he thought the baby was alive. I begged him not to give me hope after all this time, and there had been so much bleeding… He decided to prove it.
We went to an exam room and an ultrasound was done. My “dead” baby was moving and leaping in my womb. Life!
Depression is something that comes naturally to me. It is an old worn out sweat shirt put on when I want to feel comfortable. Elation is unnatural for me, yet elated I was. How could this be? Why us? Not only did my instincts fail me, but the incompetence of others almost killed my baby. If I had done the D and C, not till Heaven’s door would I have known that my child was negligently killed. Thousands of people were crying out in pain, hoping to wake from a nightmare, yet God mercifully protected our child.
I was blessed to deliver three children with Dr. Lubetkin’s practice before moving to North Florida. Every September I ponder God’s plan for us. We can’t understand nor even fathom from under the tapestry the beauty of the image above. When it seems that life is all a mess and horribly wrong I remember in His hands the chaos underneath is creating the glorious finished product above.
May the souls of the faithfully departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
May the souls of the faithfully departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Laura and Joanna
Cute for a dead kid isn’t she?