Category: Faith

Searching for “Self” Gives No Glory to God

We have become obsessed with finding ourselves and are bombarded with feel good empty messages like, “You deserve better”, “Do something for yourself”, “To be whole you need to find yourself”. We spend years searching for and catering to this mystery person that we do not know and must somehow discover in order to reach some pinnacle of self actualization and fulfillment. We have become dogs chasing our own tails.

It is when we stop turning toward self enlightenment and instead seek God’s enlightenment by being honest about our faults and ask Him to help us change not necessarily what we want, but what He wants us to change, that the real journey to depth, wisdom, and the ability for God to use us for His glory begins. It isn’t from some convoluted search for how we can make ourselves feel whole or discovering what we think will make us happy that leads to any Truth or depth of character. Quite to the contrary when we rely on ourselves instead of God to answer the questions of “why do I exist”, “what do I do to grow” and “what should I do with my life” we end up making selfish unfulfilling choices and eventually end up the slave to a master who literally is hell bent on our destruction.

How do we know ourselves, understand what God wants from us and make the choices in life that serve and give Glory to God? Continual repentance and obedience! Not the self deprecating beliefs found in abused souls convinced they are worthless but the honest acknowledgement that we time and time again give into our fallen nature. Not the blind obedience of a slave but the trusting obedience of child to a loving parent who knows what is best for us.

It is a contradiction of words but a reality of Truth that abandoning oneself to God leads to real freedom to be who we were created to be and will give Glory to God who is all deserving of nothing less.

…………………………………

Only obeying God’s Will and repenting because of what we get out of it instead of a desire for God to use us for His Glory leads away from the narrow path and onto the wide path to exactly what we thought we were avoiding: darkness, confusion, emptiness and loneliness.

Mark Shea’s short article on catholic exchange simply explains the difference between turning our faults over to God and trying to understand and fix them ourselves.

Waiting on a Homecoming

     God repeatedly has made it clear to me that He desires to take this time of darkness and bring forth something amazing, but the waiting is VERY hard. I have always needed to have everything planned and organized in order to function. Acts 1:7, 2 Peter 3:8-9 Complete dependence of God’s timing is a very difficult lesson to accept, but it has freed me in many ways too. It don’t have to feel as if it is all up to me to fix everything, God is already working on it. I don’t have to convince anyone of what is best for our children; the Holy Spirit will make the argument on their behalf. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5,  I Corinthians 2:14-15 I don’t have to worry about being unloved, rejected, disrespected, etc. God wants goodness for us. Jeremias 29:11-13 What I get to do is just love and accept Jason where he is at and to learn what God expects of me as a wife and follower of Christ. Psalm 119:133-135

     My job right now is to continue to weed out my own soul and to care for my children in a manner that leaves no doubt in their minds of my commitment, love, and respect for their father. This sets an example of how they must handle difficulties they will face in their marriages. I hope to teach them that a spouse should always pray to God about perfecting their own faults and give praise to God for the goodness in their spouses. Philippians 4:8 In this manner they learn to change the things they can (themselves) and continue to direct their attention to what will bring them closer to their spouses instead of away. Nothing will tear apart a relationship more then to focus on our spouse’s faults and short comings instead of their strengths. Proverbs 4:23 Satan uses these thoughts to breed discontent, dissatisfaction and may even tempt us with people who appear to have the very quality we wish our spouses had and blind us to the reality that no one is perfect. No one is complete. If we expect our spouses to be perfect, or to be our main source of fulfillment and to satisfy our desire to feel whole, completely accepted, etc. we will be disappointed. Our spouses are imperfect human beings like us; we all will fail at times. It is only God who can perfectly and consistently fill those requirements.

     Every morning I wake up with the hope this will be the day he comes home. I am greeted with eight little people praying and hoping for the same day. Matthew 21:22 They pray rosaries, remind each other to offer things up for this intention and the younger ones even come up with some really scary plots on how to force the situation to happen sooner. Blinding dad so he can’t drive away is one still circulating their idea board or the more recent giving dad drugs to make him fall asleep, put him in our bed and when he wakes up tell him he has been really sick and asleep for a long time, but now he is better so he will think he never really left and will just stay. My children, like I, know that daddy has to come home someday. He loves us too much to be happy or at peace anywhere else.

     My sunshine has been a loving husband and father. It is not hard for anyone who knows him to know why I would never stop believing and waiting for his homecoming. Whatever good God will turn these dark days into is worth waiting for. Job 23:8-10 Jason has worked very hard at creating a beautiful family. He has a wife who loves him more then anything and children who think he is the greatest man in the world. Despair and darkness have blinded him to the beauty and truth of this product of his devotion and care and his vital role to its maintenance. For my part I will wait forever if need be. Hebrews 10:35-36

Acts 1:7
7 But he said to them: It is not for you to know the times or moments, which the Father hath put in his own power:

2 Peter 3:8-9
8 But of this one thing be not ignorant, my beloved, that one day with the Lord is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 9 The Lord delayeth not his promise, as some imagine, but dealeth patiently for your sake, not willing that any should perish, but that all should return to penance.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty to God unto the pulling down of fortifications, destroying counsels, 5 And every height that exhalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every understanding unto the obedience of Christ;

I Corinthians 2:14-15
14 But the sensual man perceiveth not these things that are of the Spirit of God; for it is foolishness to him, and he cannot understand, because it is spiritually examined. 15 But the spiritual man judgeth all things; and he himself is judged of no man.

 Jeremias 29:11-13
11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience. 12 And you shall call upon me, and you shall go: and you shall pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You shall seek me, and shall find me: when you shall seek me with all your heart.

Psalm 119:133-135
133 Direct my steps according to thy word: and let no iniquity have dominion over me. 134 Redeem me from the calumnies of men: that I may keep thy commandments. 135 Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: and teach me thy justifications.

Philippians 4:8
8 For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things.

Proverbs 4:23
23 With all watchfulness keep thy heart, because life issueth out from it.

Matthew 21:22
22 And in all things whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.

Job 23:8-10
8 But if I go to the east, he appeareth not; if to the west, I shall not understand him. 9 If to the left hand, what shall I do? I shall not take hold on him: if I turn myself to the right hand, I shall not see him. 10 But he knoweth my way, and has tried me as gold that passeth through the fire:

Hebrews 10:35-36
35 Do not therefore lose your confidence, which hath a great reward. 36 For patience is necessary for you; that, doing the will of God, you may receive the promise.

From the Mouth of Babes

…who renderest the iniquity of the fathers to the children, and the grandchildren, unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 34:7

…And Jesus said to them: Yea, have you never read: Out of the mouth of infants and of sucklings thou hast perfected praise?  Matthew 21:16

The baby in my womb has been a huge blessing. The miracle of another eternal life created in part by the love of Jason and I, is an incredible gift and reminder of what God is going to restore and strengthen.  Our family is His! 

He is going to use this trial to break the generational cycles with in our families caused by the “sins of the father” for our children. Yes our children our suffering, but if we cooperate with God they will also witness the greatness of God and the miracles He performs when we are faithful to His call and will, and stand firm in faith that He keeps His promises.

One of my greatest desires is to impart on my children a dependence on God that until now I did not really have. We must find our strength in God and always turn and trust Him to meet our needs.

My eldest daughter, age ten wrote two songs today which express this lesson on where we should go for comfort and strength. I hope as she grows older and the world offers her other outlets (drugs, sex, false religions or the arrogance of atheism, etc) that she remembers this time and Who it was that she once leaned on. God’s grace is flowing abundantly over us during this dark and difficult time even when we turn it away or fail to recognize it. He has not left our side.

I Need a Hug
by Amelia

Jesus I need a hug.
Jesus You love me.
Won’t You give me a hug?

I need a hug.
I would like to see You.

Jesus I need a hug.
Will You comfort me?
I need it.

I need a hug.
You are the only one who can help me now.

Jesus I need a hug.
Can I have one from You?

I need a hug.
I need it now.
I need it from You.

I Need You Now
by Amelia
(She mentioned it is short and is suppose to be repeated three times 🙂 )

I need You now for I am hungry, thirsty and lonely.
Won’t you help me now?

I need You now for Your Body, Blood, and comfort.

Prayer for My Hurting Family

My Beautiful Faithful God,

Thank you for comforting me during this time. Thank you for the people you have placed in our lives who are praying for our family, Your Body is beautiful. My emotions exist in a mystical paradox. While I suffer this great agony I feel the joy of Your Holy Spirit filling my heart. At times I laugh out loud for shear delight of this grace.

I am struggling to remain calm in a deadly storm. You have taken my greatest strength and used him to bring me to my knees. Please let this time on my knees lift him to You.

It is difficult to hold the course amid the waves and wind that toss and throw me. I am weak. Do not allow my weaknesses to continue to push him further away. Please Lord if it is within Your Will, end his suffering and return him to me now. My heart aches for him. Soften his heart toward me. Place forgiveness in his heart for the pain I have caused. Let him see only love and peace in me. Let me be a source of strength and comfort for him. How you must suffer when we reject Your love and comfort! Heal him so he can see me through eyes of charity and not resentment. Heal us so he can reach out to me without fear of rejection.

Lord in Your infinite mercy do not make my children bare this cross. I can endure this trial with Your strength as long as You will, but Lord please not my children too. Preserve their innocents, protect their hearts, and test not the strength of their faith. Do not let them suffer for our failings. Hear my cry O Lord! Have mercy! Have mercy! Have mercy!

I have done what you ask. I have given You my marriage so that he can find You and discover the man you are calling him to be. Then through You he may freely, joyfully and fully return to us a more beautiful person than he is now. When you told me to let him go it was so that I would understand that this is his journey. I can not travel it for him nor can I tell him how he must travel. You are asking me to give him time. God help him, guide him and don’t let him wonder too far. You have blessed me with the sound of your voice. He can not hear you. Please speak louder and clearer. Open his ears to your voice. Compassionate Physician; heal his hurt, anger, apathy, and hopelessness. Let him feel Your presence and know You are near. Like Your apostle Thomas let him see and touch Your wounds so that he might have faith.

You are asking me to be faithful, loving, and (most difficult for me) to be patient. Please hasten this trial so I do not sin against you by giving into despair. Use this time to mold me into the wife he needs, the wife you want him to have, the woman you want me to be and the mother my children deserve. Give me insight to know what I must change and the perseverance to replace old habits with new ones. Continue Lord to speak to me and send whispers to calm and reassure me that this will pass and something Heavenly will replace the darkness. Help us to use this trial to draw closer to you, build an indestructible foundation for our children, and provide hope to others.

Our Father give us comfort while we are in this fire of refinement. You are giving us the chance to more fully reflect your image, but the process hurts. We thirst, give us drink least we are tempted to walk away before you have finished.

Jesus, my Lord and Savior, hold him tight for me. My Lord, do not abandon me.

Holy Spirit lead my husband to the same well of joy and peace You are providing to me. Fill him abundantly. Continue to infuse in me the infectious joy of Your Spirit.

Our Lady of Good Remedy, come to our aid and provide abundant graces from your treasury. Touch our hearts and guide us to “do whatever He says”. Care for my husband as the loving mother you are. Cradle him in your arms, assure him he is not alone and bring him to your Son. Help me be the mother our children need.

St. Joseph faithful husband to the Mother of God, be a shoulder of comfort and strength for my husband. Give aid to him to follow God’s call even during the times he doesn’t fully understand. Help him be the father our children need.

St. Michael the Archangel, You know how evil spirits prowl around lurking for vulnerable souls. Protect us while we are weak. Keep away anything that would hinder God’s plan and distance us from Him and each other.

St. Francis de Sales, you have helped so many discover God’s Will for their lives. Intercede on Jason’s behalf and pray that God’s Will is made known to him.

St. Faustina you have become the patron saint of our family. Pray for us so we may be a united family trusting in Jesus.

Starr as you gaze upon the splendor of our Heavenly Father pray for your son. May the same transforming Holy Spirit which enflamed your soul stir the embers in his and sustain him during this dark and lonely time.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

Life Sometimes Hurts

I debated a long time whether or not to say anything. As a catholic homeschooler their is a lot of pressure to only show the beauty in living out one’s faith and calling so as to encourage others. The reality is that having faith and enjoying one’s calling does not mean there won’t be serious challenges. I have always had a hard time with people who think if you practice your faith and pray hard life will only bring happy blessings. To them I say read Job!

God’s greatest graces and most beautiful blessings are born from pain and suffering.

I decided to in general way go public so that other hurting souls who may feel alone, ashamed or embarrassed to admit to being challenged will know they are not alone. Faith does not protect you from pain. Pain can destroy faith if we give into hopelessness and despair. It is a huge temptation. For anyone feeling themselves at the breaking point, God hears you! Fight, fight, fight, and when you have no more strength fall at the feet of God and surrender your pain to His will. Don’t move from there, don’t run, don’t think, don’t do anything. Just lay at his feet and cry, yell, be angry. He can handle all your emotions. He won’t take it personally and walk away. He wants you there so you can unburden yourself and let Him free you. I do it on a daily basis right now! He keeps welcoming me back. God will turn our pain into fertilizer for faith. For you non farmers, the original and best fertilizer is sh@!. Literally dung makes food grow! So that stinky stuff that has over taken your life and emotions right now is actually at work underground right now strengthening the your roots.

I won’t give into the pain and let the ugliness smoother me (though feel free to pray for me because I often am tempted). I am going to use it to till my field and let time show me the beautiful things that are growing!

Rambling Thoughts on Prayer Part I: No Time to Pray

     Reading the lives of saints and catholic authors I have always felt inadequate in the “never ceasing to pray” department. I thought it impossible to always have God on my mind and lips. The idea of thinking of God 24/7 seemed exhausting. How could I get anything done if I was always praying? In one of the older catholic prayer books I was blessed to have been given, it was recommended to start with a short prayer. A simple, “Help me God” or “Thank you Jesus”. It seemed silly and childish, but easy! I wanted to praise God and think of Him, but distractions were ample with crying children, dirty floors…

     My excuse for not praying more was always time and lack of quiet. A couple of years ago I read, Holiness for Housewives and Other Working Women. While reading this book it finally dawned on me that He doesn’t expect me to pray the same routine as a cloistered nun or even as a woman whose children have left the nest. I didn’t need to have an hour a day by myself to read scripture and meditate. My prayer has to be of the work variety.

I offer up cleaning the same floor four times in the span of two hours because of milk, tracked in chicken poop, potty training toddler, and dog-water-bucket-splashing-children-who-should-know-better. God is praised for the miracle of life as I wash perfect baby toes and soft toddler curls. God is thanked for the wonderful husband who works hard to provide for us as I prepare dinner. God’s creation is marveled at his while taking nature walks with my young explorers. God’s wisdom is sought as I struggle to answer about evil in the world to growing adolescents. God’s peace is sought as I try to stay calm with the chaos of eight little people around me. Reflection of the Gospel story is pondered while I pray the rosary folding laundry, doing dishes, or cuddling freshly bathed PJ wearing children during our evening family rosary. My scripture reflections are often from one of the children’s school books. God’s holy saints are learned about from Lucas when he retells a story from one of his Seton books. (When I win the lotto I never play, I want to get the full Seton curriculum for all my kids.) Even illness is an opportunity to offer praise and gratitude to our Father! Illness is a great guilt reliever to stay in bed and read the Bible, or about the life of a Saint of my choosing.

In the beginning of my quest for more time in prayer I would often forget my goal. Anxiety about managing life or just “busyness” would distract me. For me it has been a slow habit to form. Having religious objects and pictures around the house serves as a great reminder. Teaching the children to say a prayer as an emergency vehicle passes or for souls in purgatory when passing the cemetery, and Grace before meals helps because they don’t forget and enjoy these family prayer times. When it takes my exhausted, scattered brain three or four tries to say one Our Father and actually concentrate on all the words, I know that God is happy with my small imperfect attempt to connect with Him. God has blessed me with my many “interrupters”. He expects me to pray through their care not despite it!

Whispers IV: A Yellow Butterfly

Whispers I
Whispers II: An Old Man in a Plane
Whispers III: Obedience
Whispers IV: A Yellow Butterfly

As a child sometimes my father took us out on our birthdays for dinner and dad alone time. These were very significant times for me. Being alone with dad meant great philosophical conversations. One particular conversation lead to some incredible wisdom even though at the time I thought it was an awful thought. My dad said that even when you are married and love your spouse you fall in and out of love all the time. He said the feeling of “being in love” comes and goes. He further went on to say what mattered is your commitment to love. I was a typical little girl and thought happily ever after meant feelings of endless mushiness. These words of wisdom helped me understand that when the “in love” feelings were difficult, to behave as if they weren’t. Eventually the feelings return, often even more intense. Those dry spells are what give a relationship strength and depth. Faith like love works the same way. When my parents divorced I stopped trusting the commitment part of love and protected myself from testing the “out of love” phase by never feeling the “in love” moments. In my mind I always knew God was there even when I denied He could be defined. When I began to go back to my faith I wanted to logically understand God and His Church, but it didn’t really occur to me to feel anything. I was ready for the commitment part of faith, but not the feeling. Loving God would mean risking feeling alone, rejected, and abandoned and if I felt those feelings how could I trust Him. I gave God my mind, but not my heart.

My first baby came in June of 1996. I was so grateful to finally have a baby to hold in my arms. Later that summer I received a phone call from my childhood friend’s sister. My friend Amy had been killed in a car accident. It was as if everything stopped. It was so unexpected I didn’t really know how to process the idea that Amy was gone.

John 11:35 And Jesus Wept.

My new baby and I flew from California to North Carolina for Amy’s funeral. Other than my grandmother’s death, I had never lost anyone close to me. I didn’t know how to behave or proper protocol for the situation. I was not at all prepared for the depth of emotion that her family was going through. The memories of the raw pain still make me cry and want to hold them all. I had been a typical teen the last time I had seen them. In the past they were background characters to my adventures with Amy. Now they were real individuals. People I had known all my life and at the same time knew not at all. I had the privilege of staying with Amy’s parents. Even in the nightmare they were experiencing they reached out to make me feel welcomed.

The night before her funeral Amy’s dad told me how he and his wife, as well as a family friend had separate experiences seeing a yellow butterfly and having comforting thoughts about Amy. Later that night I lay in bed staring at pictures on the wall; pictures of Amy’s family and our friends growing up. So many happy, fun memories stood out in dark contrast to the anguish outside the bedroom door. [There were also reminders of my sins. Some of the pictures were of a time in my life I regretted. This time would haunt me for years to come, but that is a topic for another post.] Amy’s dad’s story played in my mind again and again. Not only for the moment of peace it seemed to offer, but because in truth it was the most he had ever said to me. As I cuddled my baby son and cried for the loss of my friend I prayed that I could have my own Amy butterfly too.

The following morning we went to the church. It never ceases to amaze me, no matter where I go I always feel at home in a Catholic Church: the same liturgy, the same Jesus. It was a comfort to belong again to the Church of my childhood, the same Church Amy and I had gone to. Amy moved when we were in high-school. When she came to Florida to visit we would always go to Mass. Even when I was no longer attending regularly, when Amy was around we went. There was always something uniting about going together. During the funeral I sat in the back of the church and tried to absorb the meaning of everything that was happening. Just believing God was there was not enough. I found myself desperately wanting His comfort, His love. The desire to feel what I was going through really mattered to Him suddenly ached in my heart. The powerful emotions of the last few days were catching up with me. The inner parts of me that had long ago been locked up were longing to flow free.

When my parents were divorcing I prayed and pleaded with God not to let it happen. If I believed anything was possible with God then He would certainly save their marriage. With the absolute madness that followed their divorce I begged God to stop the pain. When the pain didn’t stop part of me shut down and figured it didn’t matter to God. No one had ever taught me that sometimes God says no or because other people are exercising their own “free will” pain happens despite God’s will. Our choices matter. I wasn’t 14 anymore and now I understood God cares even when we feel pain. Knowing God loved me wasn’t enough. I wanted to trust God. I wanted to feel love for and from Him. I wanted to risk praying for the impossible and trusting my faith wouldn’t disappear if I didn’t hear an answer.

As we drove from the church to the funeral a desperate feeling came over me. It felt as if time was running out and soon Amy would be buried and gone. It wasn’t a rational feeling. I found myself begging God for a butterfly. “Please God, if Amy is with you send me a butterfly!” Over and over the same cry was filling my heart. I stared at the coffin my friend lay in and had to have a butterfly before it was placed beneath the earth. I pressed my baby’s little hand firmly against the casket leaving a perfect baby hand print. I prayed that since Amy couldn’t hold this son to please let her hold in heaven the precious life I had lost last year. “Amy please tell God I need a butterfly too.”

Making my way from the large crowd that had come to say goodbye to Amy, I noticed several yellow butterflies off in the distance flying above the trees. I smiled, squeezed my baby tight and took a gamble with my heart. I prayed for the impossible. “God, that isn’t good enough. How do I know it is not just a coincidence? Yes, there are many more than asked for, but I just need one to know it is You.” No sooner had the thought formulated in my heart when a large yellow butterfly floated from the trees toward me. Everything was in slow motion. I did not breathe. I could not hear anyone around me. I stared with open eyes begging, needing, hoping!

My God’s whisper floated on the breeze, dancing in the air, passing between my face and the infant son I clung to. With the flutter of His breath felt on my check, I breathed again and the noise around me filled my ears. I cried out, “Did you see it? Did you see the butterfly?”

I felt God’s overpowering love.

Another friend came to my rescue and took me to the car before I further embarrassed myself and bothered everyone else at this most difficult time. I sobbed as she held me.

My heart had sparked.

me_and_amy.jpg

Happy Birthday Amy!

I look forward to being with you again in His presence someday.

Whispers III: Obedience

Whispers I
Whispers II: An Old Man in a Plane
Whispers III: Obedience
Whispers IV: A Yellow Butterfly

As a child I had always been a rule follower. If the sign said keep of the grass I used sidewalks, I didn’t talk out loud in the library or in line entering church,  and never got a detention in school. Rules taught by parents and teachers were there for my protection and I didn’t see a point in wasting time learning lessons the hard way. It just seemed practical, efficient, and logical. With the loss of my first baby and a conversation with a priest in a plane I had heard God calling me home and figured the best way to know what God wanted was to obey the few dos and don’ts of my childhood faith until my mind was more clear. If I stopped fighting the current, I knew I would have time to look around and find out where I was and where I needed to go; besides obedience was comfortable. There were issues I had with the Catholic Church, but I knew God was there.

My husband was not catholic. In hypothetical discussions he claimed not to have a problem with my raising future children Catholic, but once I became pregnant I started to worry that maybe once it was real he would. Eight months after losing our first child we were expecting our second. We also began to spend time with some neighbors who were raised Catholic, but were not practicing their faith either. They had one child. I don’t remember how the subject came up, but during one conversation about faith and needing to return to it, I asked what was needed to Baptize our baby at the Chapel on base. She had mentioned needing to baptize her child too and even asked if we would be the Godparents. It was very moving to me to be asked, even though at the time I didn’t appreciate the responsibility of the position. I was also very relieved when my husband Jason agreed to be a “Christian Witness” (Godparents have to be Catholic). We started attending Mass, registered at the on base Chapel as parishioners and signed up for the Baptism class. When Jason said yes to being a “Christian Witness” he took his responsibility serious enough to at least understand what it meant. (Thank you Sherri and Gil for planting a seed.) I also made an appointment with the priest.

The baptism class was not very memorable, but my appointment was. Like the priest in the plane, this Father was an older man. Because we had decided on my sister and her husband as Godparents we opted to baptize our baby back in Florida so our extended family could be together. [On a side note it meant waiting till he was several months old when my husband had leave. We now hate to wait more than a week before baptizing little souls. For one of our more recent children we baptized the baby the day after I was released from the hospital.] Needing Father to sign a letter for my sister’s parish saying we were parishioners at our church and had taken the baptism class there, I went in to speak with Father alone. I was very nervous. Other than the priest in the plane I had not spoken one on one with a priest since childhood confessions. Father was warm and inviting and a little apt to forget what it was he was saying. We were talking about light subjects while father filled out the letter. When Jason’s not being catholic came up, I joked that we would convert him eventually. Father shocked me with his reaction. “Don’t you try!” Ummm… pretty sure priests are supposed to want to convert people. He gave me some incredibly wise advice and my knee jerk reaction to respected authority was to listen.

My preaching could hurt our marriage and would most likely turn Jason off to the faith. If I wanted him to ever convert we were to never argue about his faith. As his wife I was to pray privately and be a positive example of my faith. I had made my choice to marry someone who wasn’t catholic and it would be unfair to expect him to change now. In case anyone might think he meant we should not spread the Gospel and encourage people to join Christ’s church that wasn’t the point. This wise old man had seen a lot of couples over his many pastoral years. As Jason’s wife my nagging him to convert would turn him off. The first mistake with demanding conversion would be changing the rules after the game started. Secondly, Jason needed to be the leader of our family’s faith; it was his responsibility as the head of our household and a follower of Christ. I needed too for him to be the leader, even though at the time if it had been stated to me this way my feminist training would have bitten off someone’s head. [If you’re foaming at the mouth and seething with anger or just think I am some poor subservient twit feel free to write to me and we can discuss the issue, but that isn’t what this post is about.]

With a very thin foundation as to the whys I began to do the few dos and don’ts of my faith that I knew. It was obedience that was allowing me to hear whispers that were guiding me to understanding the many issues I had with the Church and even the issues I hadn’t yet realized I had. Going through the motions of relearning to practice my faith felt right, but not warm and definitely did not feel like a burning passion. With the exception of confession I was trying to be obedient. God’s presence was felt in my heart, but not his love. It would take a yellow butterfly to ignite the flame and time to create a burning fire.