Yesterday I could not get enough of the outdoors. It was beautiful. The kids are sick including the baby so we couldn’t really go anywhere to enjoy the weather and nature, but God is so good, we live on our own sugar sand hill of beauty. Through out the day I kept going out to enjoy the fall transformation felt in the air and seen in the plant life surrounding us. Being surrounded by nature and quiet easily sends thoughts heavenward.
I have been struggling with letting go of some fears. It is difficult to explain the state of my heart. God has written a promise on it, but not how He plans on accomplishing it. Being still, trusting, and waiting on the Lord are the only instructions that have been clearly heard. Not knowing the “how” for a person who thrives in structure and is much more comfortable having solidified plans this opens a door to some very ingrained insecurities. Trusting without seeing the plan is a hard lesson for me. Then there is the issue of when a situation arises that requires a decision I don’t really know which way to go and find that I have to spend a lot more time praying then I use to. Maybe that is one of the many lessons that God has wanted me to learn: To pray more about the choices I make, turning to Him instead of just relying on my own thought process.
With God all things are possible yet I often find myself listening to the father of lies. Perhaps I am insane, but while I am confident in God’s promise to me I also hear the nagging little voice whispering doubt: “Why would He do this for you?” or “It is just your own desire; God didn’t really promise anything to you.” Not having any progress with shutting the lying voice out, I took it to God. Another perk to living out here in the middle of no where is you can talk to God out loud and no one hears you. 🙂 “Okay God how is it I can feel so certain and confident of Your promise and yet so weak that I keep allowing the voice to cause panic, pain, and fear in my heart.” What does our all merciful God answer? ”So you learn how to fight it.” I am certain I rolled my eyes. I know the face I must have given God because my kids give it to me all the time. I don’t want to have to work at this I wanted God to just zap the doubt away. The evil little voice giggled. I told it to shut up and went inside again.
Once the kids were in bed I snuck out again …okay I am lying, I told the kids to go to sleep and then quickly ran outside leaving Jason to handle bedtime. The air had a chill and without a moon, the stars were shining in abundance. I stared up in awe of God’s heavenly creation, watched a falling star and started to sing with joy and talk to God. “So I have to keep trying to tune out the voice till I learn what works for me, got it. I know that even though I shouldn’t doubt you and I need to learn to more fully trust you without signs you have given them anyway. I do thank you for all the blessings and reminders of Your promise you have undeservedly sent me. I am sorry that so soon after they are delivered I doubt again.” God let me know He made me and understands and just wants my thanks for the blessings and for me to continue to learn to trust.
“Now for issue two, God. What about the decision I need to make? I think I know what I should do, but I don’t want to. The “think things through plan and prepare” part of me says wait, but my heart says trust and jump!” God got really quiet. I got really desperate. One shooting star… “I want to sail threw the sky like the star!” Then in the dark of a star lit night the light of opportunity begins to glow. More talking to God. “Speak already!” Not really a respectful way to talk to God I know. A second shooting star… “Are you talking to me?” Okay one more and I jump! I start franticly searching the heavens. Nothing. More frantic searching. Nothing. Sadness begins to grow because I really want to jump, so I look once more. Odds favored another falling star would be seen, so to be honest I still don’t know if I just silenced God and followed my own will. Third star… Jumped! Okay I am in now. Evil whispering starts to murmur. My reply to it, “Thought I told you to shut up!” Fourth shooting star… woohoo, I love a bonus.
*disclaimer: Relying on shooting stars is NOT a way to make decisions. While I want to believe my emotional jump timing was right it is one of those things only time will tell. Most things that I have done this past year have been clearer. The correctness of them was soon felt deep in my heart and usually followed with an unquestionable blessing. When wrong God’s gentle discipline could be felt and a lesson was learned and appreciated.
…I do believe, Lord: help my unbelief.
Mark 9:23